Fact: We were informed just the other day after completing our second home study update that we are one of the longer waiting families in New Jersey.

Fact:  In our program the longest waiting family is just under 3 years at the present time.  Wow.

You may be curious about what is a home study?  A home study is a long list of required documents from personal autobiographies (19 pages single spaced for us), to references, clearances and much more.  This is a daunting experience when first entering into the adoption world.  And every year you wait, you need to complete a new home study set.

Fact: Six years ago with our first adoption, we were picked in ten weeks.  We pretty much defied the adoption odds.  And truth be told, our daughter was meant for us.  The same way each of you and your kids were meant for you.

Hard fact:  We are not alone in the wait today.  Countless families are weighing and measuring their choices to build a family through adoption.   I am blessed to know, that adoption is in fact, an incredible and beautiful way.   However, with all the joy comes the reality of a system that is complex and filled with so many holes.

The truth is that 1/3 of Americans have considered adoption and only 2% follow through.

Why?

Take our story for example, there are 3 main ways we could have considered to adopt.

The three we have researched (1) The domestic newborn adoption program (2) international adoption in countries like China, Haiti, Eastern Europe, Thailand, Columbia.  (3) The U.S. Foster to Adopt Program.

We chose to go domestic again because of our incredibly positive experience the first time.  The domestic program is filled with couples who hope to raise a child from birth.  The ultimate decision is left up to the birth parents 95% of the time.  Once you enter in a domestic adoption program the fees start to add up. Every year your home study needs to be renewed which entails a ton of paperwork.  The wait time varies however on average is over 18 months.  Fees can sometimes be on a sliding scale or they are flat depending on the agency.

International adoption is filled with a different home study and fee structure which is non-transferrable with domestic programs.  So if one decides to switch from one to the other they essentially are starting from scratch.  Which doesn’t seem relevant unless you are a family who has been waiting.  For many countries the average wait is 2-3 years.  Can you imagine this….if you would like to adopt a child from Haiti it will cost on average $58,000? There are so many children living in orphanages and in stricken poverty and yet the costs are so high.  In an effort to protect human trafficking, the UN created the Hague Convention.   Under the convention, each country has its own program in place which requires federal regulation, paperwork and fees.  For example, a friend of mine adopted her son in Guatemala right before the U.S. closed it’s doors.   The reason the U.S. no longer has a partnership was due to how corrupt the government had become with their program.

Some countries parameters to accept adoptive parents are so stringent that many don’t get the chance to pursue in the country.  Take Columbia, both parents need to have at least bachelors degrees, neither one can have a “dangerous” profession like police officer, pilot; they cannot be 40 years older than the child they plan on adopting, no weapons are allowed in your home, and certain college degrees are not acceptable.  If you think that seems strict, the Phillipines is even more intense….and yet there are so many children in these countries, waiting.  It’s sad and the unfortunate part of the world we live in today.

*Did you know that almost 45% of Americans who adopt, adopt a child from China?  This is due to a long, predictable and established government relations with the country. China used to have the one child law however know that it is lifted, adoptions have changed there as well.

The third option we researched was the U.S. Foster to adopt program.  This program has a completely different paperwork process, and neither home studies transfer to this program.  Fostering to adopt is its own set of uncertainty.  After discussing with the State office, we realized the months of training that would need to take place in order to foster.  Most families foster to adopt because that is what they recommend.  However children in the foster care system remain in the foster program for 18 months.  During that time if a family member steps forward to prove they are fit to parent, the child is removed from the foster parent.  And sadly, a child may re-enter the foster program again due to the volatility of family dynamics.  This does not meant they will automatically have the opportunity to be adopted.  States are required to bring parents and children back together in most cases, this is called reunification.  I have so much love and respect for foster parents who are willing to recognize their temporary role in a child’s life in many cases.

Is your head slightly spinning?  Can you imagine how overwhelming this process could be for the many Americans who consider this option and feel like its not?

Outside of determining which way to choose for so many the costs are too much to even consider.  Are they worth it? Absolutely, however for so many cost is a roadblock.   Take the couples that after rounds of costly fertility treatments, having nothing left to give.  Or the couples who like many are upside down in the homes after the mortgage crisis and cannot borrow.  The last thing a family should feel if they have the determination to move in one of the directions above….is hopeless.

This brings me to an amazing charity that a friend founded in NYC called HelpUsAdopt.org .  I met Becky Fawcett, the week before we were chosen for our first adoption, in 2010.  It was at a local fundraiser in our town.  Her passion, her story and her belief that everyone deserves a chance at becoming a parent, and every child needs a home is a fact.  Becky was nominated as one of CNN Heroes Among Us, with her work in the adoption community.

Next month, is National Adoption Awareness Month, a time that stands for so much more than just awareness.  It stands for creating more policies, programs and funds for the soul purpose of making sure that every child is loved.  It stands for the tens of thousands of amazing couples waiting for the chance to become parents.  Waiting like all of us hard working folks to give our children a life filled with love and opportunities.  November stands for continued conversations, no closed door shame that our generations of the past felt with a stigma that 20th century created.

In our house, their will never be a stigma.  Just yesterday, my daughter had a friend over for the school holiday.  In the other room, I heard her tell her friend she was adopted.  I watched her expressively share with her that she grew in my heart for years and the love in her voice was so evident.  Because she is my child and she is loved.

This love is part of why we wait, part of why we research, part of why we feel the importance of raising awareness.  Because being part of the 2% is a special club….however our hope is that the world will see that there are so many more who would like to one day join….and together we can all do something about it.

(I look forward to sharing more with you about HelpUsAdopt.org in the coming weeks)…..