This past weekend I was taking a yoga class.  I had showed up for the first time since New Years Day, the instructor I love wasn’t in and we had someone new.  As I made my way to the front of the room since there was only one spot left, I felt my heart racing a little.  In the front, again, ugh.  As the instructor sat directly facing me, I soon realized she had something important to say…..and I needed to hear it.

Christmas day, Andy gave me a gift certificate to this yoga center in town, I had taken it sporadically this past year and really wanted to get into some routine.  I think he realized the only way I would find the time is if he gave it to me, which was incredibly thoughtful of him.  I see yoga as a time for my mind to rest and focus.  Life is so busy every week, finding those centering moments in my week, even if its just once on a weekend, is something I cherish.

When I walked into yoga this Saturday I had adoption on my mind.  Andy and I are wrapping up building our adoption profile.  We have one page left.  And after that, we hand it in to our agency and wait for the call.  The agency we use is an open adoption agency.  Basically we as adoptive parents build a picture collage of our lives and when the birthparents come to the agency, they choose.  Now if a birthmother does not want to choose the agency will for her.  In those situations it goes to the longest waiting family and in most cases that family has been waiting for over two years.  So at the end of this week, we will hand over a collage….and wait.

Waiting the first time for Audrey seemed so natural, I embraced it with open arms.  This time, I have been feeling closed up about it.  Not really sharing the process as much with friends and family.  Partly because our lives are just so busy being parents but their is more apprehension.  There is more on the line than just our hearts, it’s Audrey’s too.  When we get matched we could end up being in another state for several weeks, we also may not have legal guardianship for 30 days.  And there’s always the possibility that the birthmother could change her mind.  The agency has told us the best way to speak to Audrey about it is to let her know “another lady had a baby in her belly and we are going to watch that baby until she makes a big decision”….sigh.

Just the other day, Audrey told me she was going to give her Frozen bracelet to her baby sister when she comes.  It was so endearing and sweet.  She does not want a baby brother, one because she feels Ronan, her cousin, is already her baby brother, and two because she doesn’t like boys….I chuckle although behind my laugh lies uncertainty.

So as I tried to settle my brain in the midst of a new yoga class, sitting right in the very front facing the teacher…all I could think of was this looming uncertainty.  And then my instructor said something that rang so true with me.  She said that the focus of the class today was to “Be In Love With All of It”.

I felt like she was speaking to me.  It was as if she was shaking me out of my way of thinking. When I began this blog before our first adoption almost five years ago, I had learned to “Be In Love With All of It”.  And today, I realize that wasn’t something I was doing this time. Letting go of the outcome….and enjoying the ride.  At least not entirely…..yet.

Why does “Be In Love With All of It” have significance.  Well, to me it means in order to love life, you gotta take the good with the bad, the beautiful with the ugly, the pain with the joy….the uncertainty with the surprise….and so on.  I quickly forget the pain of my years of infertility and the obstacle I had faced when we first decided to adopt.  That was what I let go in 2010.  And from that pain brought me so much joy.  I have my Audrey.

And so I find myself realizing that in order to “Be In Love With All of It” it’s obvious that obstacles are actually the key to our happiness.  I realize this with even more conviction for so many reasons.  Obstacles in life are something each of us face.  Take my close friend, Kelly, who began writing her blog just a few weeks ago….its called Atypical Endeavor….She has taken her son’s special needs, her life expectations, and put it all out there…it’s incredibly inspiring.  I highly recommend it to anyone facing an obstacle in their life.   As I continued to read her blog, she continues to teach and remind me something so invaluable.  Obstacles are the key to our happiness.  Despite her family’s daily and weekly ups and downs, her life is far from perfect but it is beautiful, she has found even more inspiration through her children, and she is learning to “Be In Love With All of It”.   And she knows that she is no different than any one of us facing our own obstacles.  Her perspective however is incredibly insightful.

And so as our family looks ahead to get ready for the “Wait”….my hope is that we don’t get the call soon, or that it works out perfectly….my hope is that I let go and face the obstacles we may have head on….and learn that behind them is joy.  And through this process of adopting a way of life, I can learn again, like Kelly is teaching me, to “Be In Love With All of It”.

As a sidenote, I will use this blog to keep you all updated on our adoption journey…thank all of you for your love and support.  Ready….set….Go